What Empathy is Not
Empathy is Not Sympathy
Sympathy is a sharing in a sorrow about something that can't be changed. When we express sympathy over a friend's loss of a pet, we do so because there is no other option. The situation will not change. We express our sorrow and even say we are sorry that the person is experiencing this pain. Even if we have not experienced similar feelings, we express sympathy over a situation that deserves sorrow. Empathy, on the other hand, expresses a recognition and understanding of the pain involved. It expresses a shared understanding of an experience or feeling, without pulling the focus onto the empathizer.
Perhaps you've shared a frustration with a colleague, only to have them reply with "I know exactly how you feel..." and proceed to tell you all about their problem, when what you really wanted was a chance to share your feelings! Empathy doesn't get into the "me" of "I know how it feels because I've been there," but instead acknowledges the the participant's feelings and provides an emotional understanding in return. "I know how you feel" and "I had that happen to me!" are not Empathy Statements. "Wow. Losing the hard drive on your computer is a total nightmare. What a bummer." Using your own emotion and your own words to let them know you recognize and understand their emotion is the beginning of an Empathy Statement.
Empathy is not Reflective Listening, Active Listening, or a Confirmatory Paraphrase
There is a tendency to turn Empathy Statements into Confirmatory Paraphrases (another PLS verbal skill that reflects what a person has said) or a reflective statement that rephrases a participants comment. The Empathy Statement goes further adding a sense of understanding and caring on the part of the Empathy Statement speaker. Note the significant difference in the tone between the following two statements:
“You are frustrated by the parent's lack of response.”
This is a Confirmatory Paraphrase that simply confirms the feeling being expressed. It's not an Empathy Statement. You can almost picture the psychiatrist sitting back and taking notes on the patient.
“Wow! That is so frustrating when parents don't return your calls.”
This is an Empathy Statement. Notice the use of a minimal encourager (wow), identification phrase (that is so), feeling word (frustrating), when parents don't return your call (detail).) You might even picture a friend coming along beside you, carrying part of the load. When empathy statements are delivered in person it's amazing to see the frustration drain from the participant as she feels understood.
Be sure your statements sound like you. We know of an English professor who actually used the Shakespearean epithet "'zounds!" on a regular basis. It worked for him. It might not fit so well with your daily terminology!
Remember to listen for and look for opportunities to use this skill this week. We'll be sharing our experiences with all of the verbal skills in our blogs.